When "Try Harder" Is the Wrong Answer: Why Effort Isn't the Problem in Education

In kindergarten, my daughter stopped getting recess.

Not as a punishment. Not because of behavior. Because she took too long to finish her work.

The classroom rule was simple: finish your worksheet, then go outside. The faster kids played. My daughter stayed behind.

When I asked her about it, she said something I'll never forget:

"I just wanted to do good work."

She wasn't being slow. She wasn't being defiant. She was being thorough. Careful. Thoughtful.

And the system punished her for it.

That moment planted a seed that has shaped everything I now teach as an education keynote speaker: the problem is rarely effort. The problem is mismatch.

The Myth of "Trying Harder"

When a student struggles, the default response in most schools sounds something like this:

They just need to apply themselves.

If they would just focus...

They're not putting in the effort.

But here's what most people don't realize:

Many neurodivergent students are already working harder than their peers.

They may take longer to process information. They may lack the fine motor skills to write quickly. They may be masking all day just to appear "normal." They may be fighting to concentrate through fluorescent lights, crowded hallways, and constant sensory input.

By the time they sit down to do a worksheet, they're already exhausted.

And yet, when they fall behind, the solution is almost always the same: more.

More tutoring.

More homework.

More time on task.

But more of the same is not a solution.

Repetition Is Not Remediation

One of the most common responses to a struggling student is to repeat the grade, pull them out for extra help, or assign additional practice.

On the surface, it seems logical. If they didn't get it the first time, give them more exposure.

But here's the problem:

If the original method worked, the student wouldn't need help.

Repeating the same approach and expecting a different result doesn't just waste time. It damages the student's belief in themselves. It sends the message: You're broken. You need to be fixed.

When in reality, it's often the method that needs to change.

I've seen this play out with my own daughters and with the hundreds of families I've worked with over 12 years. The child isn't the problem. The instruction is.

Compliance Is Not Learning

Here's a question worth asking:

Are we measuring learning, or are we measuring compliance?

A child who finishes a 30-problem worksheet quickly isn't necessarily learning more than a child who completes 7 problems correctly but slowly.

Speed rewards performance.

Depth rewards understanding.

Those are not the same thing.

When we design systems that reward fast finishers with recess and hold back careful thinkers, we're not teaching kids to learn. We're teaching them to perform. And for neurodivergent learners, that performance often comes at the cost of their wellbeing.

What Actually Works

So what's the alternative?

1. Change the method, not the volume.

If a child isn't learning with a certain approach, doing more of it won't help. Try a different modality. Adjust the delivery. Meet the learner where they are.

2. Measure improvement, not benchmarks.

Stop comparing every child to an arbitrary standard. Start tracking individual growth. A child who moves from recognizing 10 sight words to 25 has made real progress, even if they're still "behind" the class.

3. Reduce the load.

If a student can demonstrate mastery with 5 problems, why assign 30? More work doesn't equal more learning. It often equals more burnout.

4. Prioritize emotional safety.

A child who feels like a failure will stop trying. Not because they're lazy, but because the system has taught them that effort doesn't lead to success. Protecting their confidence is a prerequisite for learning.

These aren't radical ideas. They're practical shifts that any parent, teacher, or school leader can make today.

Reframing the Conversation

The conversation around struggling students needs to shift.

Instead of asking, "Why won't this child try harder?"

We should be asking, "Why isn't this method working for this child?"

Instead of labeling kids as lazy or slow, we should be examining the systems that fail to recognize different kinds of learners.

Because most kids want to do good work.

My daughter certainly did.

She just needed a system that let her.

Bring This Message to Your Event

I speak to parent groups, educators, and school leaders about what neurodivergent learners actually need and why traditional approaches often backfire.

My signature keynote, "Your Kid Is Smart. The System Is Broken.", introduces the EMPOWER Framework: seven mindset shifts that help parents and educators support neurodivergent learners without waiting for the system to catch up.

I've spoken at the World Literacy Summit at Oxford University, the Southeast Homeschool Expo, the Florida Parent-Educators Association, and over 20 schools and conferences across the U.S.

If you're planning a conference, professional development day, or parent event and want a speaker who's lived this work and not just studied it, let's talk.